Note from Zita: “I am so happy to introduce you guys to Dawn K. Gibson and her 3 part mini series blog hosted here on Happy Free Spirit about ‘Your Child Tantrums’. Dawn is a mom of 3, social worker, counselor, coach and above all a guide for conscious moms. You can learn more about Dawn on her website dawnkgibson.com “.
Did you know that temper tantrums are a “normal” part of human development?
I know you feel frustrated, anxious, and tired when your child tantrums at times.
As a matter of fact, my three-year old daughter’s tantrums are pretty constant these days and she only has them with me. So, needless to say, I feel your pain!
I’m guessing that many times, you feel helpless and want the meltdowns to STOP, especially when you are in the middle of the grocery store.
Unfortunately for your child, he doesn’t know how to verbally express his feelings, yet.
Some older children (or adults) don’t have this important skill either, especially if their parents didn’t teach it to them.
It is super challenging to teach our children the things that we have not learned for ourselves, yet.
When your child can’t communicate his feelings, this leaves him feeling very frustrated, because he has to completely rely on you to understand what he needs.
From the moment your child is born, you can begin to offer her the feeling words she’ll need to describe her feelings, so by the time she can talk, she’ll be able to communicate her feelings with you more clearly.
I recommend using simple words, such as: happy, sad, mad, and scared in order to keep it at her level as she grows.
If you start acknowledging your child’s feeling from the start, she will able to express herself earlier than you might think.
I started speaking to my children using feeling words when they were babies, so all of them were able to communicate simple words clearly by 18 months of age (or earlier).
Teaching them this skill will truly help both of you whenever she tantrums.
A while back, as I searched the internet for information on tantrums, I was disheartened (and angry) to learn that most (if not all) articles and blog posts I found encouraged parents to IGNORE their children OR PUT THEM IN A ROOM…ALONE.
I’m asking you, if only for today, to rethink that plan. I have another option for you that will help you and your child feel more connected after her tantrum is over, rather than feeling frustrated, guilty, or sad.
Before diving into the seven steps to calm your child’s tantrums, I want to give you some background information about your child’s brain development, specifically the Triune, or Emotional Brain, so you will fully understand what’s happening with her when she tantrums.
Triune, or Emotional Brain
As your child grows, the Triune Brain develops as well.
I pulled pieces of the following explanations of the Triune Brain from a great book called, The Science of Parenting, by Margot Sunderland. Other authors have also written about this aspect of child development.
According to the book, your child’s emotional brain is generally separated into three parts: the reptilian or hindbrain, the midbrain or mammalian brain, and the neocortex or thinking Brain.
The reptilian or hindbrain, which is located at the base of your brain, registers the fight or flight response.
Your child begins to develop the reptilian brain at conception through about 15 months of age.
When your child is a baby, this is the only part of the triune brain that is active and developing.
What this means for him, is that he is in a constant state of either feeling safe or unsafe, as he makes sense of his environment through his caregiver’s emotional responses.
When your baby or toddler is in meltdown mode, stressed out, crying, or having tantrums, he is operating in his reptilian brain.
During this time, he is out of whack and needs your help getting back into a state of emotional balance.
Your child cannot regulate his nervous system alone (you will receive the tools on how to support your child during this stressful time in part III of this series), so it is important that you stay with him through this stressful time.
As your child become overwhelmed, hits major growth or learning spurts, or feels stressed out, many times he shifts straight to his reptilian brain.
IMPORTANT NOTE:
No matter how much you try to talk to your child or rationalize with him when he is in the middle of a tantrum, he will not hear you.
Your child is not a miniature adult and is incapable of having a conversation or taking in information at that point in time.
Your child TRULY cannot help melting down or impulsively hitting, kicking, or biting others through the younger years. I know this might be hard to believe, and it is true.
Your child isn’t trying to harm you or manipulate you. Instead, he is in fight or flight mode.
The second part of the triune brain is called the mammalian brain, limbic system, or midbrain and registers emotions.
The mammalian brain emerges somewhere between 6 months and 3 years of age and is mainly relationship focused.
When your child begins to interact with you (by cooing or smiling at you), you will know that the wiring for this part of the brain is occurring.
You child is engaged in the mammalian brain when she is playing, going with the flow, having fun, or being social.
The third part of the triune brain is the human brain, neocortex, or thinking brain and is located in the front part of the brain.
This is where reason, rational thinking, and decision-making take place.
Some experts say that the human brain is not fully developed until your mid-twenties, so it’s important
to remember that this part of the brain does not exist for your babies or your young children.
In other words, your babies and young children physiologically, emotionally, and mentally cannot manipulate you or think rationally about anything at this time.
Your child is physiologically incapable of accessing the growing mammalian brain so they have no way to make decisions or think rationally, yet.
Take a moment to think about how fast your child will grow from conception to age five. This is crazy, right?
Your child’s body grows fast as he learns many new skills in such a short period of time.
Just think about how exhausting that must be!
You now have more insight into understanding your child’s brain development when dealing with his or her tantrums.
In part two of this series, I will talk to you about your child’s nervous system, the major role you play in supporting his emotional development and nervous system regulation, and the massive importance of caring for yourself while parenting your little ones.
In the meantime, take a deep breath, hang in there, and please know that you are not alone!
Please tell us in the comments below, how do you deal with your child’s temper tantrum? Did you discover any secret tricks that work?
Also stay tuned for part 2 of this series coming in soon
Dawn K. Gibson, LCSW is on a mission to guide conscious moms with daughters into even higher levels of consciousness and self-awareness, so that they can stand in their personal power and break free from shame, anger, fear, and unwanted emotional family patterns.
Dawn knows exactly what it’s like to transform from living in constant fear, shame, and anger to living a life where she now stands in her power, owns her value, and has a high level of self-confidence.
She feels grateful to have the opportunity to guide you through the effective body-centered coaching program, Woman Rising, and to witness you as you create major shifts in your life as well.
Dawn’s professional experience consists of earning a Master’s Degree in Social Work and 15 years of counseling and coaching children and women of all ages, and in all stages of life.
Please click the link and input your information to join her tribe of conscious moms with daughters and to claim your free audio file that will help you gain more connection with your body, mind, and spirit: http://dawnkgibson.com